Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
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Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Breaking news:
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.