Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
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ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Florida be like…
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.