[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
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If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
These dogs look like they have good credit.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
A friend sent me this.