The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
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Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
This text is literally my relationship with my mother: