[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
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[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Day 2 of my diet
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.