Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
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I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Buying a well is money well spent.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.