Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
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You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
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1. Divorce lawyers