Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
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My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.