Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
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“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
The struggle is real
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible