My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
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“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
best first i’ve ever seen