Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
You Might Also Like
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
God, I love Scotland
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?