me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
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[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.