Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
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Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
every single time
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!