COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
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[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
how was your vacation
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.