computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
You Might Also Like
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in