Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
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Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
this is the greatest thing ever
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.