if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
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wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Finally! 😈
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
meow
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.