I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
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When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
gm
normalize having existential bread
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife