[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
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This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Van Gone
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I bet birds love this building.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.