*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
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1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
when revenge coincides with naptime
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.