Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
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pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies