earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
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[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
My birthstone is a marshmallow