Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
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A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
can’t catch a break
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think