“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
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*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.