My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
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Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Natty or not?
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.