People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
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Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.