I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
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Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!