[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
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Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Doggies just call it style.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.