First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
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that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Taliband
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Just me?
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés