Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
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Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Wednesday
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
all bases covered
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.