This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
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Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”