I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
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*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.