* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
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Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
mmm onion ringos
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.