He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
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My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Start the year as you intend to continue.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?