I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
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The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.