Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
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Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.