Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
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The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
*jazz hands*
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.