“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
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People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
ibopfufen
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!