I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
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I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
whenever i wake up before my alarm
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Breaking news:
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.