A collection of me turning into random objects.
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My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.