[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
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I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.