Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
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6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍