“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
You Might Also Like
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.