*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
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Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
forgive me baja for i have blast
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Sooo many times…..
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream