I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
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Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
pat pat
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
mom had nothing to worry about
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Storm Tropical Storm
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?