“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
You Might Also Like
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi