My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
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Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Catering service
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.