Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
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Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
watergate? u mean a dam??
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush