GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
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i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Why font matters.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign