I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
You Might Also Like
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
The Sun
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus: